I Believe in Truth and I Believe in Magic...

I believe in truth. And I believe in magic. And I believe that what you want yourself to be you can be if you believe it. And whatever you want to happen can happen. 
-Dax Riggs

Some words of wisdom from my favorite musical artist, Mr. Dax Riggs. These words will become my mantra for the next three years. I will make this studio, in one form or another, wherever it may be located, a viable entity that is capable of supporting me, my family and my goals in life. There is no other choice. This was the plan from the beginning, but in the last couple of days it has become more important than ever.

Why? Because I cannot do again, to my son, what I did to him yesterday morning. In my frustration and hurry to get out the door to work I yelled at him loudly, brutally and through no fault of his own. I was rough with him while getting him dressed. Instead of having our morning circle time to sing, stretch and have some peaceful time together, I stomped out the door. Instead of us listening to kids songs and singing on the way to work, I turned on NPR and stewed.

My sweet precious little son. My son who is loved by his daycare teachers and has a reputation as the sweetest and most well behaved child in his whole daycare. (His daycare teachers, even the ones who don't have him in class, tell me on a regular basis how loved he is.) My son who snuggles with me, feeds me out of his own bowl, gives me kisses and little presents for no reason. My son who always wants to be with his mama. My son who amazes me every day with his brilliance, his newly learned skills, his comprehension. My beautiful, creative, smart, tender, caring, loving, amazing son. It pains me to write this. I feel like a monster. But I will not repeat this mistake.

While I cannot justify my actions, I do know the force behind them is mainly unhappiness with myself and my place in life. It seems that it's been a lot of two steps forward and one step back lately. Despite that I cannot continue on a path where I cannot nurture him properly and in turn take my anger at the situation out on him. I will not do it. I am smart enough and talented enough and believe enough to do this.

It has been my dream to home school my son and work for myself. When I work in the studio or at home or in the garden my son works beside me and we take time out to take care of our needs when we need to take care of them. When I am gardening or creating or even mundane book keeping or house keeping chores I am able to include him in my work or otherwise occupy him. I am a follower, not strict adherent, of the work of Rudolf Steiner and the philosophy of Waldorf education and I believe that the aforementioned actions, not sitting in a classroom learning test taking and rote memorization, is how children learn to be balanced adults and I believe that this is the ideal environment for my son.

I know I have the skills to work for myself and take care of my son at the same time. I know I have the education to do it, I have an MBA for gods sakes! And now more than ever I have the drive.

I worry about making ends meet. I worry about insurance, not so much for myself, but for my son. Jacob can certainly put Will on his insurance, but it will cost a fortune. I worry more about how continuing on this path will affect my baby.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I know it's a long one. I know it's not specifically business related. I also know that it feels better to get this out in the open, in writing, the good, the bad and the affirmation that things can be what I want them to be. If you are a believer in prayer, good thoughts or the power of positive vibes, heck, maybe a little magic like Dax talks about, I would be so very appreciative if you would keep me and my journey in mind to give me a little boost along the way.

Thank you.

I don't often use this greeting, but it feels right for this post, so, friends,

Namste.